Regaining Your Self Esteem After an Abusive Relationship

by Kevin on September 24, 2006

Abuse relationships have the capability to inflict tremendous physical and psychological distress on the individual in the relationship. In addition to emotional and literal scars that are caused by abusive relationships, an individual’s self esteem can be completely demolished. Many individuals in an abusive relationship have been consistently told and shown they are not of value, nor of worth. After constant reminders, both men and women who are victims of abusive relationships begin to think these derogatory remarks are true. Instead of the inner feeling of self worth and confidence, these individuals have little or no self esteem left after the destructive effects of an abusive relationship.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you should immediately remove yourself from the situation. Quite often, this is easier said than done as abusive relationships are initiated and maintained under the pretense of love and affection. If an individual has your well being in mind and truly cares about you, he or she will not verbally or physically abuse you. Even though this abusive individual apologizes or begs your forgiveness, abuse is cyclic and this behavior is part of its final cycle. Usually, individuals in abusive relationships say their partner is loving and supportive, then violent and abusive, then apologetic and loving. This cycle continues until either party decides enough is enough and ends the cycle.

Individuals in abusive relationships often find themselves trapped and feel their options are extremely limited or nonexistent. If you are in an abusive relationship and feel there is no way out, reevaluate your situation. Turn to friends or family members who will support you in your decision to break ties and end the relationship. Individuals who are truly your loved ones will want whatever is best for you and support you in any decisions you may make. If you have no one to turn to, seek help from shelters or different organizations that are in existence to help people in your specific situation. With the help of these individuals, you can begin rebuilding your life and renewing your self esteem.

Once you have made the decision to break free from your abusive relationship, begin the process of rebuilding your life. This rebuilding process may take some time, so be prepared to invest a great deal of time and effort into rebuilding your life. You may need to make serious choices regarding your future, including changing locations to another city and changing your choice of career. Leaving an abusive relationship will most likely mean moving into a new home. You may need temporary housing, so consider staying with friends or family members or staying at a shelter that specializes in abusive relationships. This is an incredibly difficult decision, but the best boost to your self esteem will come after you have made the decision and begin to piece your life back together.

After you have begun the rebuilding process, you may need to seek professional help regarding your mental or physical state. Speaking with a psychologist or counselor may be the initiation necessary to continue rebuilding your self esteem. Seek out a professional that will assist you in that specific area using a variety of different exercises and techniques. Furthermore, you may wish to join a support group so that you can speak with other individuals who have suffered similar abuse. If you do not have access to a support group or feel attending a support group is not for you at his point in time, consider accessing the World Wide Web and finding a chat room that will serve as support. Once you start on your road to recovery, stay strong and remember you are an individual of worth and value. This will continue to build your self esteem and rebuild your life.

People who are interested in helping others end an abusive relationship and regain self confidence may consider pursuing social services degree online.

Tags: Personal Growth, Self Esteem, Spiritual Growth, Wellness

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Minnie May 7, 2009 at 8:04 pm

I was in an abusive relationship . Mentally emotionally and physically. and now that it is over i feel lost and hopeless. The thought of him still frightens me and really takes me back to a dark place. we have a child together. i feel so sad and depressed,i just wanna cry and runaway. I really need some insight or advice on how to move on. My family is supportive but i want to alienate myself from then because i don`t think they or anyone for that matter knows the extent of my pain.

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Kevin May 8, 2009 at 11:09 am

It takes time to heal the wounds. I suggest that you seek professional help from someone in your locality who can provide the insight and advice you seek. This is the best option that I am aware of.

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nicola May 22, 2009 at 9:56 pm

i broke up with my emotionally, mentally abusive b.f yesterday, we also have a child. i feel like crap at the moment, not cause i miss him……i hate him, but becaue he has destroyed my self asteem. this isn’t the first time i broke up aith him either. i broke up with him in march, and before i broke up with him i wrote a list of why i wasn’t happy. then 2 weeks after i broke up with him, i felt myself again, i did more stuff with my child, we had so much fun when he is not around, i realised i was happier being me again and not being told what to do and it was my change that made me and my child so happy.
i wrote a list of how i felt 2 weeks after, and it was complete opposite than when i was with him.
it will get so much better you wont know yourself.
find more stuff to do with your child and you will find who you really are and you will love yourself more and more it will just take a little more time.
socialise with your friends and family more they know what you have been throiugh.
just dont get baack with him, chances are he is like that because he witnessed abuse in someway as a child, so thats with him for life and he will never change you just have to think like that. that there is a man out there who is willing to make you feel like you never felt before.
now thats a life i would like for my child

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Nikki July 18, 2009 at 8:53 pm

Im having the same problem minnie. I dont have a child with my ex boyfriend but he did the most horrific things and it’s really really affected my self worth, my confidence and pretty much my whole being. I feel utterly worthless and like i’ll never achieve anything let alone find someone else. I have no idea how i’ll ever begin to trust a man again and dont know how a new partner would react to me telling him about my past

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Kayster September 16, 2009 at 11:18 am

Hello to you all Minnie, Nicola and Nikki

I would just like to say well done to all of you for getting out, wish I could do it.

Take care of yourselves.

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caitlyn martino April 15, 2010 at 9:47 pm

im im caitlyn,im 19 i have already been in 2 abusive relationships in the last 4 years the most recent one is my worst, its all my fault i should have learned from the past but i didnt see it he was so perfect at first and then the cheating and the lieing happened, i left him everytime i caught him doing something and i just came back to him each time, ive moved from place to place over 12 times in 2 yrs for him, i had everything going for me then he convinced me to leave all i built up for myself to be with him, i wanted to show how committed i was, i thought i had to be an example, but it never worked, i lost family and friends for him. hes choked me, thrown me against walls, pulled my hair, head butted me, grabbed me, held me down, everytime he did he would always apologize and id forgive him, im so stupid, i always think that that people should always have a chance to prove themselves! i depended on him for money cause godd forbid i get a job! so now hes left me, ignoreing me cause i hanged out with friends. i have to depend on friends i ditched in the past for food now, he dosent care im not eating….. this is horrible i have nowhere to run to, ive burned all my bridges, and i dont have enough confidence to stand on my feet. its all so hard for me. what can i do!?

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Kevin April 16, 2010 at 3:25 am

I suggest that you seek professional help from someone in your locality. This is the best option that I am aware of.

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jen June 3, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Dear Caitlin, even if you burned yoyr bridges, there are still some good people out there – your old network of friends (maybe not all!) – who will help you in whatever way they can even it’s just to be a shoulder you can cry on. Get help from the authorities or charities that assist people who are fleeing domstic abuse. take each day, one day at a time. I know what you’re going through – shock and disbelief that soemone for whom you would have given your right arm wouldn’t care one way or the other whether you have enough food to eat. Sorry love, he’s moved on to the next victim. You now have the task of rebuilding yourself to be stronger, more protective of yourself as an individual and most of all to LOVE yourself. Love yourself Caitlin.

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Krizzy March 17, 2011 at 8:42 am

I just ended my two-month abusive relationship with a psychopath. The sad thing is psychopaths are masters of disguise, you will just realize that this man is pure evil when it is too late. He is emotionally and mentally abusive. He fooled me that he is in love and we are in a relationship. Being with a psychopath who is also a narcissist makes you feel like you do not exist. It is all about him. He is superior and you are just nothing. It is like I slept with an enemy. I saw red flags but I just ignored them. I gave my body to this person but I should have already walked away that time when he wanted to make sure that I was a virgin. He harassed me just to make sure. I felt like I was an experiment. The reality is psychopaths have no capacity to love. They juggle many women at a time. He only used me and abused my kindness.That is what they are, they will present that they are caring and loving just to get what they want. They are driven by getting what they want. They treat people like objects. They treat women like objects to be discarded when they are not enjoying anymore and especially when you find out their true colors.
I knew the cycle of abuse was already happening in our relatioship that was not really a relationship. Blaming, criticism, silent treatment, verbal abuse. And acting like nothing is wrong. I know physical abuse was about to come. I found out that there is also another girl in his life which is normal for a psychopath. They live together. He abuses her physically..

Out of all his victims, I think I am the only one who truly knows that he has a personality disorder and one of the most dangerous disorders that one could possibly have because they just do not care if they hurt others.They do not have conscience. He even threatened me when I said I could not take it anymore.I want to be single and get my life together. I have been depressed because of his treatment. For the first time in my life I have lost my balance but I am not embarrassed to say that I am seeking professional help. We victims of abuse may have lost ourselves but this is the time to confront our inner issues in our own selves. We can rebuild our lives again. We can trust again.It will take time but we will get there.

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Trilby May 19, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I too suffered a 5 year long abusive relationship. not just mentally and verbally 95% of the time, but 5% of the time it was physical as well. he was my first boyfriend, and i gave up “living” for him. my friends, my family…i totally focused on him, i wanted to “fix” him. I can’t say why i stayed with him..it wasn’t the physical aspect by any means, i was 105 lbs of cute fun and he was closer to the stereotype of the large redneck. he spoke to me like i was an idiot, made me feel dumb..i was a singer since childhood, and he would always tell me to shuttup… i dated him 15-20.. and by the time i was 16 i stopped singing in the showers, in the car…almost anywhere. i dropped out of highschool to be home schooled, my parents moved me to another country before i turned 18 and i left after i turned 18 to come BACK to him. he would cut his arms in front of me and tell me to “look what i made him do.” i asked him who he was on the phone with, and he threw me up against a wall, hand around my neck and told me to shut the bleep up or he was going to kill me. this along with multiple verbal jabs daily and you think i would smart up and walk out…but i felt ashamed, people didn’t understand.

the inevitable happened after 4 years of an awful teenage relationship, and i became pregnant. this didn’t stop the abuse. i had a very large baby, over 9 lbs… i had been 105 lbs before baby, and after i had my (despite everything, WONDERFUL & LIFECHANGING) son, i weighed 140 lbs and had skin stretched all over my stomach, my chest, my thighs… he kept abusing me after i had my son, and would on days just completely ignore his son. after 5 years of taking the abuse i finally left him.

it’s been over 3 years, and my boyfriend currently of 3 years has been NOTHING but wonderful. he is sweet, gentle, caring, understanding, and trustworthy. we live long distance while my parents help me finish my college education while watching my toddler. we see eachother a few times a month and talk constantly, however i never sought help and i see myself falling into MAJOR trust pits and issues. i’ll freak out on him for the smallest things, i don’t trust him hanging out with any of his girl friends, girls that i am friends with and he works with…just because i am always scared. i feel like im trying to control him the way i was controlled and manipulated and i hate it. after 3 years of being away from my ex, i realize the importance of seeking help. my boyfriend now is willing to work with me, he understands what i went through and has been nothing but a darling and totally patient… but he doesn’t deserve it. as abused woman we need to seek help so we can learn to deal with our issues.

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Maria October 18, 2011 at 8:48 pm

My name is Maria I was in an abusive relationship that lasted 2 years. I was fooled and blind. People and friends would tell me to leave him but he would always convince me that they were jealous of what we had. Its been 10 months since ive left him and still deep inside i feel lonely. He humiliated me in front of his friends and family yet i would always stand by his side. Everywhere we would go i would pay. When my grandmother passed he didnt go his excuse was he didnt have a ride and my family didnt like him. Thats when i realized he wasnt the one for me. The day i broke up with him he landed his hand on my face. It wasnt the first time he did it. He was very controlling and he swore he loved me. After our break up hes looked for me plenty of times. I was almost stupid enough to believe all his lies when all of the sudden i remembered the day he first layed his hands on me he hit me while i was driving which made me lose my breath and lose control of my car. All because we did not go to the mall. I dont know how to gain my confidence back. He would call me names n tell me things that he knew hurt me. They are still stuck with me. I am so scared of trying to get to know other people. i dont know what to do or who to turn too. I had to tell my family so they can help me not fall for him again…..but at the same time i feel like i just scared my parents..I am only 20 and to be dealing with this problem is hurtful. My close friends tell me that i need to get over it (they say it in nicer words though) but they dont understand that its not easy!! I need help to gain that confidence i once had =(

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Madison November 18, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I was with a man for 4 years he berated and belittled me constantly would make rude comments in front of friends and family about the bed room even in front of my mom he slowly chipped away at my self esteem we shared three apartments together the first was in my name the second was in my name. we fought all the time and i asked him to leave several times he never would i’d call my mom or dad to come over or a friend when i would try to get him to leave. He punched a hole in my wall on my 21st bday and ruined what was suppose to be a wonderful occasion every major holiday he started a fight. around year 4 we got engaged and moved into an apt my mom being the sweet lady she is put the deposite down and payed two months rent. our wedding was at the end of march the middle of the first week of march i got a phone call from his boss saying he wasnt doing work at night and what was going on. he was sure leaving the house every night and that explained why i was always having to cover the bills. She said please dont marry that man. (i had never met her and this was his boss who is clearly not suppose to tell you stuff like that) so i confronted him when he got home. i always was finding things that could have been explained away and i loved him so i wanted to believe him.
I was always scared to say things when we were in front of his family, he would squeeze my hand so hard under the table and sometimes he would kick me if i said the wrong thing… When i confronted him i snapped and attacked him for once he had made me crazy for Four whole years and i had had it, i am a lover not a fighter but i beat the hell out of him that day and he def deserved it…. I lost myself so when the wedding was called off and i was yet again publicly humiliated after being cheated on and having to inform a hundred and change that the wedding that everyone had bought gifts for and rsvp’d for was called off. i wanted to crawl under somthing and die… I began drinking and going out all the time, i quit my job and started two new ones reception and waitressing i began to enjoy myself a little too much i will admit had several sexual encounters and basicly the time i was robbed i got back in 6 months haha, 6 months later i met Jerry, who is the father of my little girl. He was no better i was fooled by him although he never hit me or anything he scared the hell out of me. drove fast screamed hit the steering wheel one night i was having morning sickness terrible and his mom lived there and smoked inside there 2 bedroom 4 room total house and i wanted to THROW UP MAJOR every five minutes soo i said im going back to my place the ciggarette smoke is making me sick. HE WIGGED OUT. he said your not leaving and my hormones were going crazy i put on my clothes after i got out of the bed and said YES I AM MF and headed straight for the door he pulled my jacketand my arms so hard i screamed out his mom came in and tried to defend me smacked him and he punched his mom in the chest took her phone broke it and then took my keys and cell phone there was ice on the ground i was 10 weeks pregnant and i said OH NO! he made me have sex with him that night all i could think about is im glad i have to go to work in the morning so he has to give me my keys back… i was soo scared he was going to hurt me. I dont know why these men keep entering my life but i am hopeless i dont feel like i will ever find love again and i dont feel worthy of it. im in counscling now but that was also my last sex i had and i was raped.. so i am terrified of intimacy and life is really tough people dont know how terrified it is to just talk to men these days i hate men

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AJ November 18, 2011 at 5:55 pm

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. I was devoted to this handsome and charismatic man. I fully committed myself and my two children to him. Although I had not brqaced myself for his truth because I was only paying attention to mine. I was in denial. I gave him all I had for all those years and he gave me more as the years passed also. The verbal abuse was more frequent, humiliation in front of his family and his friends, and the physical and sexualy abuse increased. The last year I was with him he punched me so hard he knocked me out cold. I layed on the floor not knowing how long I had been out. I ran to the bathroom thinking how did the argument begin. I didnt want to dance and strip for him. He got angry and was saying horrible things and then started the silent treatment. I remember sitting at the table the next day with my family for Easter. They all stared at my swollen face and I sat and told this story of how I got into an altercation with a woman the night before. I remember the look in their eyes, they didn’t know what to believe.

When I started seeking help, while I was still with him, I realized he would always have other women on the side and I was expected to take it. I was expected to accept his cruel heartless ways and still stay devoted to him. So I left him and cut all ties. My birthday fell a week later and I made sure I was home early (ending the relationship is the most dangerous time). I fell asleep by midnight. Although at 3 am he woke me up. Half sleep I found myself in an all out brawl trying to fight for my life. I ran from the house in my panties and a robe. For blocks I ran to my family’s home as fast as I could. I left the state, my family barely spoke to me, I tried to start a new life but had no one on the other side to help me. So I returned.

He and I reconnected but it was different. I realized, during the 8 months we were apart, he was the same if not worse. So I ended it again after a few months. This time I felt different and I even think different. I am seeing my weakness and my strengths. I see his too. As much as I love him – he is not the man I deserve. As much as I love him – he must love me in return but he won’t. As much as I love him – you would think that he would appreciate and respect me. As much love as I have given to him- he is lucky to have had an opportunity to experience my love and presence. He was lucky and blessed. He is at a huge disadvantage because it is up to him to change his belief in love. It is up to him to be better. Thats a HUGE job and takes a tremendous amount of self realization.

I DONT HAVE THAT JOB!!!! I have an easier job. My job is to take all that effort and devotion I gave to him and give it to myself and my kids on a silver platter. I am not going to run, or hide, or dip and dodge. I am just going to be me the best I know how. I am getting help and I am investing in myself. I still cry. I still hurt and have a broken heart because thats what happens when you love someone and its over. So there is nothing wrong with loving anyone. I did a good thing. I did a natural thing. I did just fine. I am none of the names he called me……..but he was all those things. And that probably eats him up inside. I would be a miserable person too if I was never loved properly. I would be angry too if I was raised with entitlement then realize the world doesn’t work like that. I would feel constantly defensive and thus he does.

I am better off now……….. I will be just fine I will be better!!!

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tiiarne December 3, 2011 at 4:08 am

Im 19 and ive been in an off and on relationship for 2 years and just the last 8 months my boyfriend has become emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. I have tried to leave this relationship but he threatens me and im scared ill regret it because I depend on him so much and ive lost alot of confidence and everything since being abused. I don’t know how to leave this relationship and be myself again. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone incase they think im stupid or over exaggerating. please help !

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annonymous December 7, 2011 at 10:05 am

I was in an abusive relationship for a year and a half. He was both phyiscally and emotionally abusive towards me. He set up certain rules that I was required to follow (no talking to boys on facebook, or adding them/accepting their friend requests, delete every boy’s number out of my phone, he deleted certain people off of my facebook, I wasn’t allowed to talk to our hang out with any guys, etc.). Although he made these rules for me, he broke every single one of them. I was also not allwoed to wear certain things, and I was cut off from my friends and family. It has been a year since we’ve broken up, and I hate him with everything that I have, but I am still unable to get over it all. I lost my virginity to him, which also lead me to be more attached. I have trust issues now and I am still fearfull of him. I can not keep a relationship because of how sad and depressed I feel.

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annonymous December 25, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 8 years now. It took me 7 years to realize it and looking back, I should have left when I realized it instead of thinking that it would get better beacuse it didn’t! I’ve been with him since I was 16 and I got pregnant at 20 and was married to him at 21. It started out with isolation, not being able to see my high school friends-he claimed he was protecting me because I would just get into trouble if I hung out with them. Since then, I’ve not been able to have any friendss. He is always checking in on me, seeing who I’m with or what I’m doing especially if I’m not home from work on time! There’s a long list of unsung rules to avide by, I know what sets him off and avoid them at all cost. So most of the time we are ok, but I can’t be myself around him without seeing the ugly possessiveness and control freak come out. He’s physically abused me once (one more time I should’ve left) and he claims that it never happened and he doesn’t recall it at all but feels horrible. He grabbed me by the head/neck and shoved me off our bed and I couldn’t turn my neck for 3 days. He hasn’t done any of it since, but the threats are starting. He’s said that I can leave whenever I want, but I will never take our daughter with me. I’ve been complacent with him all these years and now I’ve decided to disobey him and his demands. The other night I went out with coworkers for a drink. I didn’t want to go home because being out with people who made me smile and laugh felt really good. I had been talking to a friend about my situation and it felt ok because he wasn’t judging me and he only wants what’s best for me. It didn’t take long for my husband to realize what was going on and the texts started coming in. He told me to get home now or he wouldn’t allow me back in the house and that all my belongings would be outside when I decided to come home so I did. But before I went home, my friend took me in his arms and held me. He told me I was smart and that it was going to be a tough decision to make but he knew that I would make the right choice, for me and for my kid. He instilled in me the will to get out of this relationship and I will have to thank him for that later.

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monica January 4, 2012 at 1:25 am

Reading. These comments have helped me significantly. Thank you ladies for having strengt

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rainbow January 4, 2012 at 3:22 am

hi, im rainbow from the philippines. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for about 4 years and it took me a real long time to recognize that it IS abusive. The relationship turned me into someone i wasn’t before i met him. We didn’t start out right – i replaced my ex boyfriend for him-which led me to believe that this is a valid reason for his treatment of me. We’ve been on and off for a long time. He exhibited the mean-and-sweet cycle. I loved him very much. I love him still. It’s hard to explain this to people who have no idea what it is like to be in such a situation. They said i looked happy when i was with him. I WAS happy, when he wasn’t showing his mean side. I prayed to God with all my might that he would change and would just understand me and everything would be perfect. Instead, I awakened from the dream of changing him and in the process of walking away. He has threatened me with suicide twice already and i’ve suffered so much emotional stress over that. I guess I will still love him, but I will from afar. I feel for everyone in this thread who has undergone the same. It’s hard falling for a man with whom you entrusted your everything to, who seemed so sweet and so normal, until now, I find it very hard to believe that he has a personality disorder. All the websites I’ve been to just tell me to walk away, but no one mentions How to cure it. Does this mean a controlling partner has no chance of being cured?

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Crystal January 7, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Reading these comments are helping me so much…. it makes me realize im not the only one….and i will get through this…. thank you so much ladies for being so strong….God bless.

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Aline January 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I have been in an abusive relationship for the last 8 years. I left my country, my family and my friend for him, I thought he was the one and by being alone in a new environment put me in a vulnerable position.

When I arrived by coach, it was early in the morning, he moaned about the fact that my suitcase was too heavy and that I was stupid to have arrived so early. The impacts of his words after leaving my home country were extremely distressful. I thought he was right!! Sure why did I book such an early coach.

The abuses just became more and more violent and I tried to understand them to justify them as he did. It was so confusion, he was be as nice as nasty without warning. When he was angry and was verbally abusive. We talked and he made painful comments “What are you saying? Can you talk properly? What can you understand me? Which language are you speaking? “. He always targeted my intelligence first.

Later, of course he always apologised and justified the reasons of his abuse : “he was stressed, he was HUNGRY” (I know sounds like the most ridiculous excuses ever). So I started the dance to try to know how to please him, how to make him feel better, to check if he was in a good or bad mood. I felt weaker and weaker. When I shared my doubts about us. His answer was often that yes, he is sorry to be aggressive sometimes, but by now I should know him better and not paying attention to his words when he is angry and that for him, it is difficult too to cope with a sensitive person like me. I believed him… I thought I was overreacting. I had an opportunity to work abroad, which let me enough time to think and analyse the dynamism of our relationship.

Yes it is true when you wonder if you are in an abusive relationship, just the fact to ask you this question often reflects that you are in an abusive relationship. So do not believe what he says, but believe your emotion. Do you feel safe with him? Not always, then run. I know you love him but love yourself even more.

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Valerie January 30, 2012 at 3:59 pm

My name is valerie, and I just ended an abusive relationship after a year and a half. You dont really realize that youre in an abusive relationship until you are out of it and see things from a different point of view. He never hit me, it was always with words. but sometimes words take longer to heal than bruises and scars. Im still constantly hearing in my head that i am nothing but a fatass worthless bitch that does nothing all day long but eat and get fatter. but at the same time I was supposedly screwing around with every tom dick and harry. .. what i dont get is if im that fat, why would anyone want to sleep wiht me???? I know deep down inside that I am a beautiful person, woman. but it does play a toll on my self esteem. I am always hearing those words in the back of my head no matter how hard im telling them to leave or I try to ignore them. I guess what I am asking is, how long can I expect for this to go on? is this something im going to have to live with for the rest of my life, cause I reallhy dont think I have the spirit or the energy to do so… someone please help me.

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Chris April 11, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I’m Chris, and represent the other side of the spectrum. I was seduced into an extremely abusive relationship by my ex, who also goated me into have a child with her (to trap me). I’ve broken up with her 3x now, and each time she threatened to be suicidal and would actually cut herself. She was very emotionally and physically abusive to me, and knowing that I AM stronger than her, but not wanting to hurt her, I let her do the things that she did to me. We are finally broken up, and after kicking her out of my place, then being talked back into her place, I left (several major incidents later). Now that I have finally convinced myself that I no longer desire to be with her, she is trying harder than ever to get my back, and she has shattered all of my self-confidence as well as trust in females at all. I’m not gay, and I don’t want to be alone, I want to talk to different women now, but I can’t. Not now. I am doing everything I can to better myself and get myself back to where I was before I met her, but I am without a doubt a shadow of my former self. Sometimes I don’t think that she will ever go away.

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Beatrice April 12, 2012 at 3:18 am

Hi, can someone please advise? I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years.. He finally attacked me the worst and split my head open… Ended up with over 80 stitches in my head… Surgeon lost count after 60… He is now in prison.. But I stupidly had a one night stand… & now have his baby, will I be forced to let him see her ): please help!! Xxx

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annonymous July 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

well here it goes i just recently left my ex after 8 months of compelte abusive not only emotional but physicall as well , first it started with where are you going , who are you with and so on , i lost my friends , my family , i wasnt allowed to go anywhere . Hes aslo a drunk and has a serouis problem with coke. he would start by getting wasted at 6am till whenever . hed come up too me and spit in my face , slap my as hard as he can across my head and other areas of my body . he would tell me im useless and im nothing , im a POS . one night i went out with him and on the way back home he kicked me too the ground and kicked me as hard as he could in the chest , he wouldnt stop . the thought in my head was hes going too kill me , while he was doing this hed be yellin at me and saying i deserved it .

I decided too leave him , i left with just the clothes on my back , im still wacthing my back thow all the time . i still have a hard time sleeping at night im still a bit scared but i have too take this day by day , i am know im counselling and it kinda helps but healing is not easy . trusting isnt easy , i hope i will be ok which i thnk i will be .

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jason July 27, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Thank you for this excellent post. The comments have also helped me realize I’ve made the right choice in leaving my abusive wife. We separated three times and she’d keep reeling me back in promising she’d changed, to try it again for a week and if things hadn’t changed then I could leave, to remember we’ve spent 9+ years together, to stick to my our wedding vows “until death do us part”, reminding me that I’d love her forever and ever, telling me I was a waste of life that would never amount to anything, that I’d never meet anyone as good as her, that I was her only choice for a happy relationship, that if I didn’t do what she said she’d put the screws to me, that she’d call the police act scared and file false allegations if I didn’t stay, that she’d file a missing persons report if I left, hitting, kicking and punching me when I did even the tiniest thing wrong, being vulnerable and being told my emotions didn’t matter, being told who I could and couldn’t speak to because she had my best interests at heart, calling my boss to tell him how stupid I was, telling me she would change she would get help she wouldn’t hit or hurt me again, telling me she was sorry and felt lonely without me around, telling me she was having a bad day and didn’t mean to throw that stapler at my head, telling me my clothes (hanging in the closet) were taking up space and throwing them out, destroying and burning pictures from my childhood, telling my family they were controlling and always telling me what to do, telling me my job was a joke and I should get something that paid more, telling me to just get over a friend who died from a drunk driver, throwing out all my camping gear because “you won’t need that anymore, I don’t like camping and you shouldn’t either”, telling me she loves me, telling me she wished I was dead, telling me she’s going to kill me, telling me “it only happened two times, you can forgive me right?” after cheating on me with someone half my age, draining our savings account (for a house) to go on a lavish vacation for herself and then telling me “well you were working all the time and I needed some time away from my job”, telling me she wanted to bring another man into our relationship and wouldn’t compromise and was stubborn and controlling, telling me I had to put headphones on if I wanted to listen to my music, calling and texting me at work throughout the day and if I didn’t respond immediately there would be consequences, telling me if I ever left her that it just showed how weak and spineless I was, telling me she felt sorry for me and that was why she had sex with me, telling me to have a little faith in her and that she wanted to rekindle our romance, telling me the night before our wedding anniversary to cancel everything and that she was going out with friends that day and said “that’s ok right? I’ll make it up to you”.. violinist serenading with moonlight sonata candlit dinner overlooking the lake with a heart shaped bed covered with rose petals renewal vows a poem I wrote just for her, a three course dinner I made just for us.. this was the second year after getting married and she changed into someone else. By the end of the third year of marriage I was past my breaking point, I went into severe depression, lost my dream job, fell away from my career, lost a lot of friends, didn’t eat, didn’t exercise, was constantly berated for moping around and being utterly useless, felt like there was no escape, that no one would believe me. One day I broke down and worked up the courage to tell my mother, I felt extreme shame and embarassment, and felt I was betraying my wife because she would often tell me “if you’re having a problem keep it to us, don’t share it with anyone. no one else needs to know how worhtless you are”.
This was all contrary to who she was while dating (2 years), living together (2 years) and a year after getting married. She was extremely loving, nourishing, caring, supportive, open, friendly, warm, romantic, positive, optimistic, and communicative. We’d go on a vacation every year. Before we got married, we had to adjust our style of living, set a budget for ourselves, save for a house, save for security, agreed to go on vacation every year but stay within the country to live within our means, pay off our student loans, carry no balance on credit cards, etc.. We agreed I would take on a second part-time job on weekends to expedite things and she would look for a second job as well. She never found a second job, things weren’t moving fast enough for her, she wanted everything now because her friends had a house, her friends had kids, her friends had multiple cars, her friends were better off than we were, her friends didn’t have to work all the time, her friends could buy things she couldn’t afford because the “budget” was controlling her spending.. and on and on. One day without warning, she had drained the savings account, cashed in our RRSP, removed the joint account and pawned off her engagement ring to pay for an all expenses trip across Europe, Asia and South Africa. I came home from a business trip and found a note on the bed.

“Dear Jason,
Don’t worry I’ll be back, I just need some time alone to think about our next steps. I took care of the finances for the month so you don’t need to worry about my side of the budget.
Things were moving too slowly for me and I needed a break from the daily grind. You made a good effort but it wasn’t good enough for me. We had a savings account and I know it was for the house we were going to buy, but I deserve to be happy and you weren’t helping me be happy. I met someone online and I’m going to meet up with him. He makes me happy and we’re going to go on that trip we always talked about but never did. I wish it could have been with you but you weren’t willing to take any time off of work and I had some vacation time built up so I took it. I know you’ll understand, you are always so understanding, generous and flexible with me. Maybe when I return you’ll considering getting a therapist to fix your problems and I’ll be more relaxed and help you with your issues. Until then, have a good one and enjoy our time apart.

Krystal”

When Krystal returned, there was no apartment, there was no me, she hired a PI to locate me, filed a missing persons report, harassed my family and she was served with divorce papers. She apologized endlessly for how she treated me, that we should go to marriage counselling, that I was abandoning her, that it would never happen again, that she’d get two jobs and work on paying me back, that her spring guy was just a fling and nothing serious, that she had made a grave mistake, that she wasn’t thinking clearly when she did what she had done, that she loved and cared about me, and then telling me how I ruined her life. She left in March. She returned in June. This happened in 2012. It was so very hard to pack everything up, to leave, to remove myself from a toxic situation, and I still wonder if I’m making the right choice. I only have to look at the bruises on my legs, and the letter she left me to know that it was the only choice. The best choice. Thank you.

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